You say Happy I say Birthday!

Today is my birthday and I am officially 42, although I have gone the whole year thinking I was already 42 (what's up with THAT), so I guess this year will be awesome because I'm a year younger than I thought! LOL

Friday night was spent with my older daughter locked in the master bedroom watching movies. Yesterday I had a phone conference for NASW. I'm running for branch chair and since I'm the only one running, I'm sure I will get the position, so now I have to get all up on the politics of the state as well as our local branch. The funny thing is that my boss (the executive director of my agency) is running for the other position for my branch, so I guess I will be seeing a lot of him over the next two years!

Last night we got a sitter and took the older daughter to see The Lovely Bones. She and I cried from almost beginning to end. I don't really want to spoil it for anyone, but I did really like it. The teenager wants to read the book but I'm a little nervous about getting it for her. It does detail the teenage girl's graphic murder. I think Aubrey could take it... she's pretty mature... but I don't really like thinking of how she would have to process all that. Her father took his own life when she was 10 in a rather graphic way. I worry about her having exposure to things like that and then have her start thinking about her own dad's death. We were not married when it happened, but the thought of him feeling that alone and sad still makes me cry to this day.

Today I'm taking the older daughter shopping for a new bedspread. She is donating some of her bedroom items to a woman in the State School who really likes purple. The woman is about 75 and has no family or anyone to take care of her. She's very high functioning, but institutional living is never really an ideal place to call your own, so Aubrey is giving her a purple bedspread, some purple pillows, and some other decorations.

Tonight I'm going out with some girlfriends for dinner and a few drinks. I don't get much time out with friends, so Carl said it was okay if I went out to celebrate with just the girls. I love my husband. He gets it :)

This is a little scattered, but I'll be back on track later in the week to talk about some things I've been processing.

Stressssssssssssssssssssss

Today was the first day for the new case manager and was also the first day for my intern. I am not used to constantly being around coworkers the way I was today. It seemed that we were all attached at the hip. I'm the kind of person who appreciates alone time and works best when I'm behind my closed door in a quiet place. I did not have that today.

The new girl is not BRAND new, she was a case manager somewhere else. I think she's going to be great, but I know from experience how overwhelming the job is. The first day I did it I came home crying, but that was because I was thrown into the picture in crisis. The girl I was replacing had just up and quit with no notice. I had to step in and roll with it. Honestly I'm thankful for that because it really made me feel a sense of accomplishment and that hey... I can do this! This girl is going to have me to hold her hand.

United Way people were at the ofice today visiting and the place is just a madhouse now because clients need to update their files for the new year. We give them until the end of Janaury to update or they lose services. Of course many wait until the last minute, so it's been hectic. As well as training the new person, I'm also responsible for my new intern. I'll call him H. H is a young guy getting his undergrad in social work. He's VERY fired up about case management, but really until I train the new case manager I don' t have a lot of individual time to train him. I do have him sitting in with my while I train her though.

I had no time to do my own work today and spent a lot of time running around, answering questions, trying to be a positive role model. The other case workers in the office did little to help because, well..... I'm there to do it. Ya know?

By the end of the day I was really stressed, headache, and when I walked in the door I ended up crying/talking to my husband. LOL He's not very good at that sort of thing. While he is very supportive, he almost always says the wrong thing and if I'm telling him about a problem with another person, instead of saying "I see your point" he always seems to say something that defends the behavior of the other person. LOL It's frustrating but I don't want to feel like I can't talk to him about things that bother me... I just have to learn that I shouldn't expect him to say the right things. His heart is in the right place, and he loves and supports me. I have to let that make up for the words that come out of his mouth. Has anyone else ever experienced that? Is it because men are "fixers?"

Spiritual Rebellion

I have been having a rebellion of sorts with my church. They are a wonderful oganization. They do good things. They are active in the community. I just don't feel " a part of things" there anymore. Members of this church are well respected members of the community... former coucil members, the former mayor, intellectuals from the universities, etc. I stopped going to Sunday School a while ago because it has become so highbrow. I'm not an idiot, I'm prety smart, but I have a very difficult time discussing things because they are almost "too" intellectual. I'm not a college professor. I'm a lay person... and when I leave Sunday School with a headache and feeling frustrated every Sunday, I can't really say that's motivation for me to contiue.

I voiced my opinions to the pastor and to the adult education committee. They said "well, why don't YOU teach a class?" So I thought I would have some type of bible study/discussion group for moms. Wonderful they said. So I begin looking at materials and they wouldn't approve any of those I had chosen. I asked, well then can I have some help picking some appropriate materials? I haven't heard from them since.

I helped create a "Young-ish Adult" group for people in late 30's early 40's so we could get together once a month. Childcare is provided, so it's an opportunity for those with really young children to have a date night and free childcare. My pastor likes to sit down with me to come up with ideas for activities. This includes ME coming up with the ideas, and him shooting down my ideas or approving others. Then it's up to me to organize everything. When I was a student, this wasn't a problem, and it made me feel a part of things. But often times those who say they will come never do, no one RSVP's, and I end up doing loads of work for nothing.

Basically, I'm feeling very unappreciated. And before you say that service to my God isn't about feeling appreciated, it's not about my faith... or my personal beliefs, this is about my church community and my sense of belonging. We are made for service, to care for each other. I'm not feeling the caring from others in my church right now. At work this doesn't bother me. I'm constantly out there with people who need help... who need my servies. But those clients are appreciative and make me feel that the work I do has meaning and is worthwhile. I'm not getting that from my church commnity anymore.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, or self-centered. I just know it doesn't feel good for me to go there anymore. My husband said we can find another church, but he's an elder there. And the teenager loves the youth group there. Do I just suck it up... and keep going there? Or do I just find something else on my own? :-/ I really don't know anymore.

The things we do to feel good...

I went to the spa today to get my nails done. I found a new place I really love that is totally full service. I get pink and white nails normally and until I found this place, that is all I ever had done. When I first foun this place, I let the girl talk me into a few other things. On top of the nails I get a wonderful milk and honey medicure. I get to soak my hand in warm milk and then they do a wonderful scented salt scrub massage on my hands and arms. After rubbing in the salt scrub they place steamed towels around my arms. Then they wipe off all the salt scrub, rub in a honey/lotion and then do a parafin mask on my hands. While the parafin is setting, I get a 15 minute shoulder and upper back massage. After the manicure is done, I usually go to the back for the eyebrow wax. She talked me into doing my whole face. I wasn't really prepared for what THAT was all about. I will tell you that my face still feels on fire. LOL But my face feels so smooth and wonderful. She even did partial inside my nose. LOL I about died. After the waxng, we go back out front to finish up my nails and as I sit under the nail dryer, she massages my neck and shoulders again for about ten minutes. And all that cost me less than $100.

My husband thinks I'm crazy to let them strip all the hair off my face, but I'm telling you, it was a heck of a way to wake up this morning... the personal attention... the feeling that I got a good bargain for the amount of money I spent. I do this routine once a month now and I think it's totally worth it. I love it so much that I've given up getting my Starbucks before work (unless some kind soul gives me a gift card). It's not often that I get to feel attractive and good about myself. If I have to pay someone $100 a month to feel that way, I think I can handle it. :)

Over Done

I got up very early and went to work early so I could get a jump start on the work load that I missed while being sick. I was at the office with coffee and breakfast by 6:30 am. I had an hour and a half to myself before anyone else showed up at the office. It was very productive, but I'm wishing now that I had taken it more easy today. By 4:30 I was exhausted. Thankfully my manager recognized my discomfort and told me to go home. I think I left a trail of coat, shoes, purse, briefcase, etc. on my way to the bed! LOL

Tonight the teenager is out with her friends and I'm here reclining on the bed with the toddler watching VHS movies from when the teenager was her age. The girls look identical to one another at this age, but they are so not alike. The teenager is a Leo and her fire burns on the inside. The toddler is a Capricorn and her fire definitely burns on the outside. She never stops moving, has temper tantrums, questions and fights everything, and could be considered in some markets a rapid weight loss tool. I guess it's why my hubby is so skinny... he's always the one chasing her because I'm too tired. LOL

I was thinking about my list today and I actually came across an aritcle that talked about how to live a more positive life. #2 on my list was smile more. The article talked about laughing... even fake laughing can produce endorphins. The thought about fake laughing made me smile and I sat there "fake" laughing to see what it felt like. I recommend it. Fake laughing, after a while, makes you chuckle for real. LOL Another thing the article talked about was using positive responses to questions. When someone asks you how you are, always start out by saying GOOD! That one is going to take some getting used to for me. I actually made me uncomfortalbe to think how many times I have answered that question with a negative response, or saying "Good, but...." Interestingt things to think about.

I'm tryng to use the technique more wtih my children as well. Instead of saying NO all the time, I'm trying to find other ways to talk about choices being made. With the toddler, it's "Well, that's not for little girls," and with the teenager it's "have you thought about what would happen if you decided to do that?" It has actually led to some conversations with the teenager when typically she would just go and sulk because I said no.

Well, I'm starting to drift away. I'm going to snuggle up with the toddler while I still can, watch Disney movies, and think positive :)

Lists

I have been sick since last Friday and have been in bed for five days trying to sweat out a fever until I can return to work. I work with people with compromised immune systems, so there are no fevers allowed at my work. So I have had a week in bed with my laptop, my gallon of water, and my sweet kitty to help me sweat out the fever. This has given me lots of time to think about things (and to play mindless online games). I have been working on my to do list. These are more like personal improvements I would like to make, but still changes to myself that I need to do.

1. Cook more for the family so that we can have more time togeather.
2. Put out more so that my husband stops asking me for sex every day.
3. Smile more
4. Complain less
5. Stop being a doormat
6. Learn to dust more than once every 6 months (or save $ to pay someone else to do it)
7. Eat healtier foods. I guess this one could go in line with #1
8. Spend more time with my girls and less time with my computer.
9. Let my husband know how much I appreciate him.
10. Read more books and watch less TV
11. Pass my licensure exam
12. Be a better friend.
13. Be a better human being.

I have lots more, but I need to work in stages and steps. This weekend I will be going shopping with my girls for some new kitchen gear and spices so that we can cook dinner on Saturday. My husband will be gone all day, so this will be a surprise for him (a good one I hope). I'm not much of a cook... so this should be interesting. And what the hell.... maybe I'll put out tonight too.

And so it begins

I'm really good at starting things. I love change. I love the newness of starting projects and organzing. I have problems getting past the grind. But I am really proud of my most recent accomplishment. Well, actually within the last year I have had two major accomplishments. Last December 2008 I graduated with my Bachelor's Degree in social work an this December 2009 I graduated with my Master's Degree in social work.

I have met many people ... you mention social work and they roll their eyes. They see social workers as stodgy middle to older aged women who take children away. Did you know that it is illegal to call yourself a social worker if you do not hold a license in social work? I will not represent myself as such (yet) as I am waiting to take my licensure examination.

When graduated, I was warned that depression might follow because graduates begin wondering "what next?" and a letdown might follow. I'm not there. I am loving that I finally completed something! I really need to buckle down and get ready for the exam. That will be the next big thing.

I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a juggler, a magician, a multi-tasking whore. I was recently diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, basically they don't know where it comes from or why people get it, but they needed a good name for it. This diagnosis really made me see how much I need to sit down and be a better wife, mother, daughter, juggler, magician, and an even better multi-tasking whore. So I suppose this is something of a resolution blog for 2010. I need to take my B-12 shots in the ass and get to work on finishing some things.

There willbe more about this later. For now I need to take my fever reducer, drink my mandatory glass of water, and get to work on my plan.